Original Usenet thread from alt.ascii-art, started 14 Jan 1997.
Groucho Marx Fan Club
alt.ascii-art
· 13 messages · 14 Jan 1997 - 25 Jun 1997
========================================================================
Disclaimer:
All these Groucho Marx quotes have been collected from the Net.
The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
Sources are not known except where given.
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o |
| o | The | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Groucho Marx | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Fan Club | o |
| o |\___________________/| o |
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o | -cfbd-
| o | | o |
| o | | o |
| o | 14-1-97 | o |
| o | | o |
" I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me
as a member "
- Groucho Marx ( Attributed )
--------------------------------------------------------------------
||====================================================================||
||//$\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//$\\||
||(100)==================| FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE |================(100)||
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||>>| 12 //L\\ // ///..) \\ L38036133B 12 |<<||
||<<| \\ // || <|| >\ || |>>||
||>>| \$/ || $$ --/ || One Hundred |<<||
||<<| L38036133B *\\ |\_/ //* series |>>||
||>>| 12 *\\/___\_//* 1989 |<<||
||<<\ Treasurer ______/Franklin\________ Secretary 12 />>||
||//$\ ~|UNITED STATES OF AMERICA|~ /$\\||
||(100)=================== ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS =================(100)||
||\\$//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\$//||
||====================================================================||
-Julian Visch-
" Blood's not thicker than money. "
- Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )
--------------------------------------------------------------------
,--.-----.--.
|--|-----|--|
|--| |--|
| |-----| |
__|--| |--|__
/ | |-----| | \
/ \__|-----|__/ \
/ ______---______ \/\
/ / \ \/
{ / _ _ _ \ }
| { | | . | | | | } |-,
| | |_| . |_| |_| | | |
| { } |-'
{ \ / }
\ `------___------' /\
\ __|-----|__ /\/
\ / |-----| \ /
\ |--| |--| / after -Mike-
--| |-----| |--
|--| |--|
|--|-----|--|
`--'-----`--'
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
- Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
******
* *
*((((((((((((@))*
*((( ((())*
*(((( ^ ^ (())))*
* ((((( @ | @ ((())))*
* (((((( w ((()))))*
(((((( ******* ((()))))*
**********************************
* THANKS A LOT ! *
**********************************
/ \
/ \
/ \
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\\/\ -unknown-
| | |
##############( -- ) --)##############
" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did. "
- Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
| o o o o | <o o> | Just because we disagree |
| <><><> <> | /-+-- --+X | doesn't mean I have to kill |
| |||||| || | /> <\ | you, unless I want to. |
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
-unknown-
" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
______________
/ \
@(___) ------ (___)
@
@
@ /----\
@ / o o \
@ | [] |
@ @|___~~~~___| after -Marilyn Cox, et al-
"Room service? Send up a larger room"
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
,;;;;;;;,
;;;;;;;;;;;,
;;;;;'_____;'
;;;(/))))|((\
_;;((((((|))))
/ |_\\\\\\\\\\\\
.--~( \ ~))))))))))))
/ \ `\-(((((((((((\\
| | `\ ) |\ /|)
| | `. _/ \_____/ |
| , `\~ /
| \ \ /
| `. `\| /
| ~- `\ /
\____~._/~ -_, (\
|-----|\ \ ';;
| | :;;;' \
| / | |
| | | -Tua Xiong
| `. /
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
- Groucho Marx
-------------------------------------------------------------------
*8o,
8 : 8
8 : 8
8 : 8 |~~\_____/~~\__ |
-cfbd- 8 : 8 _____________________ \N1____====== )-+
8 : 8 ~~~|/~~ |
8 : 8 ()
8 : 8
,8o,"' aircraft by
// -Wil Dixon-
~~
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
//////
//////
(//////)
... .. .. ... . ////// . ... . ... . .. ... .())((() ... .. .
_____|____|_____ ((()(()))
/ \ (((((((()
| | _()(()(())_
| | | (((()()() |
\ ' | ()))))( |
\ / \ ((((( /
\ / ) (
\ / / \
| | | |
\____________/ \_________/
-after MH-
.................................................................
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
.-~~~~~~--_
/@@@@\ \
.-//@@@@@\ \
/~~ \@@@/ \
/ / |
/ / |
/ | |
|@@| ( | |
~ / X |
\ / / | | \
\ _ _/_ ____-/_| | | \
\ | / \
| \ | \
\ \ / \
| \ / \ -Steve Wendt-
\ ~~~~~~ \
\ \
\ ____________ \
/ | | \
/ | /` /` | \
/ | [ ]=[ ]' | \
/ | / | \
/ | -- | \
/ |____________| \
" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "
- Groucho Marx
" I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
on I go into another room and read a good book. "
-- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)
______ ______
_/ Y \_
// ~~ ~~ | ~~ ~ \\
// ~ ~ ~~ | ~~~ ~~ \\
//________.|.________\\
`----------`-'----------'
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
-- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth".
.,,,,,,,,,,.
,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;,
,;;;;;;;;;;;)));;(((,,;;;,,_
,;;;;;;;;;;' |)))))))))))\\
;;;;;;/ )'' - /,)))((((((((((\
;;;;' \ ~|\ ))))))))))))))
/ / | ((((((((((((((
/' \ _/~' ')|()))))))))
/' `\ /> o_/)))((((((((
/ /' `~~(____ / ()))))))))))
| ---, \ \ ((((((((((
`\ \~-_____| ))))))))
`\ | |_.---. \ -Tua Xiong
" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution? "
- Groucho Marx
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
-- Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx
Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx
" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx
" Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx
"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
-- Groucho Marx
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
-- Groucho Marx
" I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx
"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. We're going back next year."
-- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-- Groucho Marx
sssss
_ S/"""SSSs
"s| ")SSs
| SSSS
__- __ sSSSSs .
| SS"
_________\ Ss"
| (o)-(o) || |"
|__\_^_/__| , |
_--_ |/ /| |
/ -_ / / \ |
/ _ ". | | | |
/ _- -_ '.-""-- \ | |
,' / , ; -_ | | |
_,-" / ', , -_ ,' | \__
<_ _ _] , \ - _ _ .' ___\____\
. ) """""""""""''
/_-" after
-Joe Rumsey-
"How do you feel about women's rights ? "
" I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx
" Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
-- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
//\\\||///\\
//| |\\
|[ | <q><p> | ]|
|||| .\. ||||
|||< _ >|||
\__(_)_/
_____!___!_____
| | \ / | |
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. "
- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From THE BIG SHOW
Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"
GM: How old are you?
JP: 19
GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
step closer to the announcer.
JP: Well, which is which?
GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You Bet Your Life" banter (got censored, no copy exists, but true story)
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth
once in a while.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
" The Marx Brothers produced a (relatively forgettable) film called
'A Night in Casablanca.'
Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the
rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for
infringement.
Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had
been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were
countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia
Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*)
She's got eyes that men adore so ) .(
And a torso even more so..... ( v )
\ |/ -cyberfox-
- Groucho Marx
"The months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn,
'Whatever it is, I'm against it!
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I'm against it!' "
- Groucho (in song) from "Horsefeathers"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
## ##
(@ (@
\ -Ian Broverman-
##### |
~\_====+
"Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!"
- Groucho Marx
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake
that, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx
" Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. "
- Groucho Marx
" Time wounds all heels." - Groucho Marx
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
- Groucho Marx
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy."
-- Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
-- Groucho Marx
"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
-- Groucho Marx
"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man."
-- Groucho Marx
"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."
-- Groucho Marx
|\ |\
_-/ \
_-/ ()()
_-/ \
_ _-/ \ \
____________//__/ /\ oo/
// \_____/ / \\_/
// // \
"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
-- Groucho Marx
"Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
-- Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
-- Groucho Marx
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-- Groucho Marx
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They're upstairs in my socks." - Groucho Marx
" Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ??
He used to live in whales for a while." - Groucho Marx
____ ___ . ,, ,, .
', \,__ __,'',/ . .:>}}Y{{<:. .'
\ \/' ./ ' .'. ''W' ' .' .
\ / "
\ / ,-----------"--,
| \____/' /-\ \ Row faster!
\ ' .O `\ /
| ,-- |\_______) O O
| <' , "/ / / / ' .'; __ /N___/N____
`, '~~~' /'/'/'/' .',.'.`/' /'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~D~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Daniel Au-
" Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to
announce that I was born at a very early age. "
-- Groucho Marx
" My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had
been one."
-- Groucho Marx
"I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much
more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name."
-- Groucho Marx
" A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a
child of five. " -- Groucho Marx
" Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
" You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you." -- Groucho Marx
" Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.
If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you
can't find that, you can leave in a taxi." - Groucho Marx
" Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
-- Groucho Marx
"This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy-- and I bet he was glad
to get rid of it" -- Groucho Marx
Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the
swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews.
"Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his
waist?"
" I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie
Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by
the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. "
-- Groucho Marx
" I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."
-- Groucho Marx
" There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
-- Groucho Marx
## ##
@) @)
/
| #####
+====_/~
-Ian Broverman-
========================================================================
In article <5bfdn2$hm...@orm.southern.co.nz>, Colin Douthwaite <cfb...@southern.co.nz> writes >" The Marx Brothers produced a (relatively forgettable) film called > 'A Night in Casablanca.' > > Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the > rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for > infringement. > > Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had > been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were > countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen > Hey, I *like* that film. There is a wonderful running gag where Groucho gets in the sidecar, Harpo gets on the bike, the bike VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind in the sidecar. Second time, same thing. Third time..."Oh no ya don't", says Groucho. Groucho gets on the bike. Harpo gets in the sidecar. The sidecar VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind on the bike. >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia >Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*) >She's got eyes that men adore so ) .( >And a torso even more so..... ( v ) > \ |/ -cyberfox- > - Groucho Marx BTW, do you also have the Diana Dors quote collection? @@@ @@@ @("} {")@ @(.(.)\__ __/(.).)@ @@@) ( """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" ) (@@@ ( . ) dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk ( . ) \ ) / http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk \ ( / \\.-' ,' /index.html ', `-_// // ~-~ """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" '~ \\ / \ "Consciousness is a product of the brain no more & no less than earwax is a product of the ear"-Martin Hunt on a.r.s
On Mon, 20 Jan 1997 22:25:13 +0000, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine <dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote: >Hey, I *like* that film. There is a wonderful running gag >where Groucho gets in the sidecar, Harpo gets on the bike, >the bike VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind in the sidecar. > >Second time, same thing. > >Third time..."Oh no ya don't", says Groucho. Groucho gets >on the bike. Harpo gets in the sidecar. > >The sidecar VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind on the bike. That's in Duck Soup! -- Darren Meldrum (mel...@dial.pipex.com) http://ds.dial.pipex.com/meldrum/
On Mon, 20 Jan 1997 22:25:13 +0000, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine <dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote: Sorry, but that's a remanufactured gag from Duck Soup. >Hey, I *like* that film. There is a wonderful running gag >where Groucho gets in the sidecar, Harpo gets on the bike, >the bike VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind in the sidecar. > >Second time, same thing. > >Third time..."Oh no ya don't", says Groucho. Groucho gets >on the bike. Harpo gets in the sidecar. > > > > > > > > > > >The sidecar VROOMS off leaving Groucho behind on the bike. > > > > > > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia >>Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*) >>She's got eyes that men adore so ) .( >>And a torso even more so..... ( v ) >> \ |/ -cyberfox- >> - Groucho Marx > >BTW, do you also have the Diana Dors quote collection? > > > @@@ @@@ > @("} {")@ > @(.(.)\__ __/(.).)@ > @@@) ( """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" ) (@@@ > ( . ) dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk ( . ) > \ ) / http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk \ ( / > \\.-' ,' /index.html ', `-_// > // ~-~ """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" '~ \\ > / \ > "Consciousness is a product of the brain no more & no less > than earwax is a product of the ear"-Martin Hunt on a.r.s
========================================================================
Disclaimer:
All these Groucho Marx quotes have been collected from the Net.
The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
Sources are not known except where given.
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o |
| o | The | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Groucho Marx | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Fan Club | o |
| o |\___________________/| o |
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o | -cfbd-
| o | | o |
| o | | o |
| o | 12-4-97 | o |
| o | | o |
" I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^.
_Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26
" Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
||====================================================================||
||//$\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//$\\||
||(100)==================| FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE |================(100)||
||\\$// ~ '------========--------' \\$//||
||<< / /$\ // ____ \\ \ >>||
||>>| 12 //L\\ // ///..) \\ L38036133B 12 |<<||
||<<| \\ // || <|| >\ || |>>||
||>>| \$/ || $$ --/ || One Hundred |<<||
||<<| L38036133B *\\ |\_/ //* series |>>||
||>>| 12 *\\/___\_//* 1989 |<<||
||<<\ Treasurer ______/Franklin\________ Secretary 12 />>||
||//$\ ~|UNITED STATES OF AMERICA|~ /$\\||
||(100)=================== ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS =================(100)||
||\\$//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\$//||
||====================================================================||
-Julian Visch-
" Blood's not thicker than money. "
- Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )
--------------------------------------------------------------------
,--.-----.--.
|--|-----|--|
|--| |--|
| |-----| |
__|--| |--|__
/ | |-----| | \
/ \__|-----|__/ \
/ ______---______ \/\
/ / \ \/
{ / _ _ _ \ }
| { | | . | | | | } |-,
| | |_| . |_| |_| | | |
| { } |-'
{ \ / }
\ `------___------' /\
\ __|-----|__ /\/
\ / |-----| \ /
\ |--| |--| / after -Mike-
--| |-----| |--
|--| |--|
|--|-----|--|
`--'-----`--'
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
- Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
******
* *
*((((((((((((@))*
*((( ((())*
*(((( ^ ^ (())))*
* ((((( @ | @ ((())))*
* (((((( w ((()))))*
(((((( ******* ((()))))*
**********************************
* THANKS A LOT ! *
**********************************
/ \
/ \
/ \
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\\/\ -unknown-
| | |
##############( -- ) --)##############
" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did. "
- Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
| o o o o | <o o> | Just because we disagree |
| <><><> <> | /-+-- --+X | doesn't mean I have to kill |
| |||||| || | /> <\ | you, unless I want to. |
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
-unknown-
" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
______________
/ \
@(___) ------ (___)
@
@
@ /----\
@ / o o \
@ | [] |
@ @|___~~~~___| after -Marilyn Cox, et al-
"Room service? Send up a larger room"
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
,;;;;;;;,
;;;;;;;;;;;,
;;;;;'_____;'
;;;(/))))|((\
_;;((((((|))))
/ |_\\\\\\\\\\\\
.--~( \ ~))))))))))))
/ \ `\-(((((((((((\\
| | `\ ) |\ /|)
| | `. _/ \_____/ |
| , `\~ /
| \ \ /
| `. `\| /
| ~- `\ /
\____~._/~ -_, (\
|-----|\ \ ';;
| | :;;;' \
| / | |
| | | -Tua Xiong
| `. /
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
- Groucho Marx
-------------------------------------------------------------------
*8o,
8 : 8
8 : 8
8 : 8 |~~\_____/~~\__ |
-cfbd- 8 : 8 _____________________ \N1____====== )-+
8 : 8 ~~~|/~~ |
8 : 8 ()
8 : 8
,8o,"' aircraft by
// -Wil Dixon-
~~
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
//////
//////
(//////)
... .. .. ... . ////// . ... . ... . .. ... .())((() ... .. .
_____|____|_____ ((()(()))
/ \ (((((((()
| | _()(()(())_
| | | (((()()() |
\ ' | ()))))( |
\ / \ ((((( /
\ / ) (
\ / / \
| | | |
\____________/ \_________/
-after MH-
.................................................................
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
- Groucho Marx
--------------------------------------------------------------------
.-~~~~~~--_
/@@@@\ \
.-//@@@@@\ \
/~~ \@@@/ \
/ / |
/ / |
/ | |
|@@| ( | |
~ / X |
\ / / | | \
\ _ _/_ ____-/_| | | \
\ | / \
| \ | \
\ \ / \
| \ / \ -Steve Wendt-
\ ~~~~~~ \
\ \
\ ____________ \
/ | | \
/ | /` /` | \
/ | [ ]=[ ]' | \
/ | / | \
/ | -- | \
/ |____________| \
" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "
- Groucho Marx
" I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
on I go into another room and read a good book. "
-- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)
______ ______
_/ Y \_
// ~~ ~~ | ~~ ~ \\
// ~ ~ ~~ | ~~~ ~~ \\
//________.|.________\\
`----------`-'----------'
" From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
-- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
" Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
-- Groucho marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth".
.,,,,,,,,,,.
,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;,
,;;;;;;;;;;;)));;(((,,;;;,,_
,;;;;;;;;;;' |)))))))))))\\
;;;;;;/ )'' - /,)))((((((((((\
;;;;' \ ~|\ ))))))))))))))
/ / | ((((((((((((((
/' \ _/~' ')|()))))))))
/' `\ /> o_/)))((((((((
/ /' `~~(____ / ()))))))))))
| ---, \ \ ((((((((((
`\ \~-_____| ))))))))
`\ | |_.---. \ -Tua Xiong
" Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second
question first." -- Groucho Marx
" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution? "
- Groucho Marx
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
-- Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx
Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx
" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx
" Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx
"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
-- Groucho Marx
" You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well,
we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in
the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx
" Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
difference." -- Groucho Marx
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
-- Groucho Marx
Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?"
"Eileen"
"What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?"
"Irene"
" I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx
" I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's
good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx
" I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx
(To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx
"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. We're going back next year."
-- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-- Groucho Marx
sssss
_ S/"""SSSs
"s| ")SSs
| SSSS
__- __ sSSSSs .
| SS"
_________\ Ss"
| (o)-(o) || |"
|__\_^_/__| , |
_--_ |/ /| |
/ -_ / / \ |
/ _ ". | | | |
/ _- -_ '.-""-- \ | |
,' / , ; -_ | | |
_,-" / ', , -_ ,' | \__
<_ _ _] , \ - _ _ .' ___\____\
. ) """""""""""''
/_-" after
-Joe Rumsey-
"How do you feel about women's rights ? "
" I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx
" Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
-- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
//\\\||///\\
//| |\\
|[ | <q><p> | ]|
|||| .\. ||||
|||< _ >|||
\__(_)_/
_____!___!_____
| | \ / | |
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. "
- Groucho Marx
"Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From THE BIG SHOW
Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"
GM: How old are you?
JP: 19
GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
step closer to the announcer.
JP: Well, which is which?
GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You Bet Your Life" banter (got censored, no copy exists, but true story)
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth
once in a while.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
" The Marx Brothers produced a (relatively forgettable) film called
'A Night in Casablanca.'
Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the
rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for
infringement.
Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had
been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were
countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia
Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*)
She's got eyes that men adore so ) .(
And a torso even more so..... ( v )
\ |/ -cyberfox-
- Groucho Marx
"The months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn,
'Whatever it is, I'm against it!
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I'm against it!' "
- Groucho (in song) from "Horsefeathers"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
## ##
(@ (@
\ -Ian Broverman-
##### |
~\_====+
"Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!"
- Groucho Marx
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake
that, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx
" Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. "
- Groucho Marx
" Time wounds all heels." - Groucho Marx
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
- Groucho Marx
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.
_The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
" He's waxing wroth! "
" Well, why don't you have Roth wax him for a change? " -- Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
-- Groucho Marx
"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
-- Groucho Marx
"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man."
-- Groucho Marx
"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."
-- Groucho Marx
|\ |\
_-/ \
_-/ ()()
_-/ \
_ _-/ \ \
____________//__/ /\ oo/
// \_____/ / \\_/
// // \
"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
-- Groucho Marx
"Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
-- Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
-- Groucho Marx
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-- Groucho Marx
+---------------------------------------------+
| |
| __________________________________ |
| | | IBM |
| | | |
| | ## ## | |
| | (@ (@ | |
| | \ | |
| | ##### | | |
| | ~\_====+ | O |
| | | O |
| |__________________________________| |
| ____________________________________________
+--| \ \
| \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \________________________________________\
\_|________________________________________|
" I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's
because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They're upstairs in my socks." - Groucho Marx
" Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ??
He used to live in whales for a while." - Groucho Marx
____ ___ . ,, ,, .
', \,__ __,'',/ . .:>}}Y{{<:. .'
\ \/' ./ ' .'. ''W' ' .' .
\ / "
\ / ,-----------"--,
| \____/' /-\ \ Row faster!
\ ' .O `\ /
| ,-- |\_______) O O
| <' , "/ / / / ' .'; __ /N___/N____
`, '~~~' /'/'/'/' .',.'.`/' /'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~D~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Daniel Au-
" The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the
Lord Alps those who alp themselves. " -- Groucho Marx
" Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to
announce that I was born at a very early age. "
-- Groucho Marx
" My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had
been one."
-- Groucho Marx
"I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much
more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name."
-- Groucho Marx
" A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a
child of five. " -- Groucho Marx
" Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
" You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you." -- Groucho Marx
" Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and
that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of
it myself." -- Groucho Marx
" Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.
If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you
can't find that, you can leave in a taxi." - Groucho Marx
" Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
-- Groucho Marx
" Why don't you drill a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? "
-- Groucho Marx
" I hear they're gonna tear you down and erect an office building
where you're standing." -- Groucho Marx
" He thinks I look alike! " -- Groucho Marx
" Gentlemen of the jury, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and
sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: He really is an
idiot. I implore you, send him to the penitentiary where his
father and brothers await him with open arms. I suggest we give
him 12 years in Leavenworth, or 11 years in twelveworth. I tell
you what, I take 5 and 10 in Woolworth. " -- Groucho Marx
" You have the brain of a four-year-old, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it." -- Groucho Marx
" I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's
because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
" I went up to the stage door, but it was locked. So I went around
to the front door and came into the theatre. And the stage was all
lit up, but the theatre was so dark, I couldn't see a thing. Is
there anyone up front? So I go down, in this Stygian darkness, to
the front row, and I take a seat. I am now sitting on... I can't
think of his name. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the
swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews.
"Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his
waist?"
" I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie
Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by
the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. "
-- Groucho Marx
" I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."
-- Groucho Marx
" There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
-- Groucho Marx
" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my
agent, as written in our contract. " -- Groucho Marx
) ( ( (
( ) () @@ ) (( (
( ( )( @@ ( )) ) (
( ( ( ()( /---\ (()( (
_______ ) ) )(@ !O O! )@@ ( ) ) )
< ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
/--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
| > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
| /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( .
| | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . .
| \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ .
| \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
| |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
\__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. .
| |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ .
| | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. .
| | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) .
| | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . .
| | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) ..
| |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ).
____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_
## ##
@) @)
/
| #####
+====_/~
-Ian Broverman-
========================================================================
Aan 14-01-97 8:47, in bericht <5bfdn2$hm...@orm.southern.co.nz>, Colin Douthwaite <cfb...@southern.co.nz> schreef: > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was > just whispering in her mouth". I have also seen this attributed to Chico Marx. Does anyone still write for the alt.comedy.marx-bros newsgroup? > > > " I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." > -- Groucho Marx I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. -- Yours faithfully, Tjaart Glas tkg...@worldaccess.nl tkg...@usa.net
In article <N.0...@skn1-11.worldaccess.nl>, Tjaart Glas <tkg...@worldaccess.nl> writes: >> " I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." >> -- Groucho Marx > >I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I have about 30 of them as individual sigs. -- ## ## " A child of five would understand this. Send someone (@ (@ to fetch a child of five." GROUCHO MARX \ ##### | Dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk quote collection---cfbd ~\_====+ www.xemu.demon.co.uk/ picture---Ian Broverman
I have a collection of quoes too. Check out : http://www.therightside.demon.co.uk/quotes/groucho/index.htm They will be shown at random. needs a JavaScript and Frames enabled browser and works best with Netscape. Barry On Sun, 22 Jun 1997 00:21:22 +0100, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine <dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote: >In article <N.0...@skn1-11.worldaccess.nl>, >Tjaart Glas <tkg...@worldaccess.nl> writes: >>> " I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." >>> -- Groucho Marx >> >>I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. > >Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I >have about 30 of them as individual sigs. > > > >-- > ## ## " A child of five would understand this. Send someone > (@ (@ to fetch a child of five." GROUCHO MARX > \ > ##### | Dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk quote collection---cfbd > ~\_====+ www.xemu.demon.co.uk/ picture---Ian Broverman > Start your day with a quote! http://www.therightside.demon.co.uk/quotes/groucho/index.htm
On Sun, 22 Jun 1997, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine wrote: <dave>Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I <dave>have about 30 of them as individual sigs. ... well, than let us see them !!!
In article <Pin...@rohrpostix.rz.tu- clausthal.de>, Juergen Reichel <rzj...@rohrpostix.rz.tu-clausthal.de> writes: >On Sun, 22 Jun 1997, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine wrote: > ><dave>Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I ><dave>have about 30 of them as individual sigs. > >... well, than let us see them !!! All 30 at once? they are the same art with different quotes, to save retyping the quote each time... -- ## ## " Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; (@ (@ inside of a dog it's too dark to read" GROUCHO MARX \ ##### | Dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk quote collection---cfbd ~\_====+ www.xemu.demon.co.uk/ picture---Ian Broverman
Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine (dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk) wrote: >In article <N.0...@skn1-11.worldaccess.nl>, >Tjaart Glas <tkg...@worldaccess.nl> writes: >>> " I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." >>> -- Groucho Marx >> >>I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. >Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I >have about 30 of them as individual sigs. Unfortunately many of them are not authenticated and get challenged. Sometimes they are just lines from movie scriptwriters given to and spoken by Groucho in the movies. Where possible I do try to attach a reference source and I do preface the Fan Club collection with a disclaimer. Here's a fairly recent posting which corrected some of the quotes: ==================================================================== From: dkr...@aol.com Newsgroups: alt.comedy.marx-bros Subject: Re: Groucho Marx Fan Club Date: 13 Apr 1997 17:49:54 GMT Message-ID: <199...@ladder01.news.aol.com> Some Corrections to your quotes ... > When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was > just whispering in her mouth". That was Benchley >" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an > institution? " Mae West > "Eileen" > "What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?" > "Irene" Groucho never said anything quite so stupid ... >"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't > developed. We're going back next year." > -- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers ) We're going back again in a couple of weeks ... is he proper quote >"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend." > -- Groucho Marx >"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man." > -- Groucho Marx I am not completely sure about these ... but it seems that to me that they were quotes from Voltaire ... but they are not the Groucho sort of witicism ... far too cynical >" A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a > child of five. " -- Groucho Marx Watch Duck Soup for the actual quote ... >" He thinks I look alike! " -- Groucho Marx That was Chico ... responding to something that Groucho said >Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the >swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews. >"Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his > waist?" It was referring to Melinda ... so therefore it should say "My Daughter" >" I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." > -- Groucho Marx Oscar Levant ... it's in Memoirs of an Amnesiac I believe There are several others as well ... but I was uncertain about those so I didn't offer a correction ... Isn't the net wonderful ... it is full of so many self-satisfied know-it-alls ... (I am of course referring to myself) Kriel I have lost all sensation in my shirt ==================================================================== I will probably purge the above quotes from the next issue of the collection. Bye,
In art<5oo2ub$ivl$2...@mnementh.southern.co.nz>, Colin Douthwaite writes: > > Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine (dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk) wrote: > >>Tjaart Glas <tkg...@worldaccess.nl> writes: > >> > >> Quote: > >> >"I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before > >> > she was a virgin." > >> > -- Groucho Marx > >> > >>I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. > >>Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I >>have about 30 of them as individual sigs. > >Unfortunately many of them are not authenticated and get challenged. > > >>"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't >> developed. We're going back next year." >> -- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers ) > >We're going back again in a couple of weeks ... is he proper quote In the way of many misquotes, this actually improves the joke: the girls' figures, which are not developed now, may indeed be more so next year (not in a couple of weeks). Perhaps the usual offscreen version had been "next year" but was toned down to get past the censors? |~/ |~/ ~~|;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;||';-._.-;'^';||_.-;'^'0-|~~ P | Woof Woof, Glug Glug ||____________|| 0 | P O | Who Drowned the Judge's Dog? | . . . . . . . '----. 0 | O O | answers on *---|_______________ @__o0 | O L |__<a href="news:alt.religion.scientology">_______________|/_______| L and<a href="http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk/clam/lynx/q0.html">.Xemu,SP4(:)
On Tue, 24 Jun 1997 19:30:42 +0100, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine <dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote: >In art<5oo2ub$ivl$2...@mnementh.southern.co.nz>, Colin Douthwaite writes: >> >> Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine (dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk) wrote: >> >>Tjaart Glas <tkg...@worldaccess.nl> writes: >> >> >> >> Quote: >> >> >"I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before >> >> > she was a virgin." >> >> > -- Groucho Marx >> >> >> >>I have also seen this attributed to Oscar Levant. >> >>>Coiln Douthwaite has a collection of Groucho quotes; I >>>have about 30 of them as individual sigs. >> >>Unfortunately many of them are not authenticated and get challenged. >> >> >>>"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't >>> developed. We're going back next year." >>> -- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers ) >> >>We're going back again in a couple of weeks ... is he proper quote > Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. --- Groucho Marx Martin
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