Groucho Marx Fan Club
From Colin Douthwaite <cfb...@southern.co.nz>
· alt.ascii-art
· 12 Apr 1997 00:00 · View full thread
· report
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Disclaimer:
All these Groucho Marx quotes have been collected from the Net.
The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
Sources are not known except where given.
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o |
| o | The | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Groucho Marx | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Fan Club | o |
| o |\___________________/| o |
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ \| o | -cfbd-
| o | | o |
| o | | o |
| o | 12-4-97 | o |
| o | | o |
" I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^.
_Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26
" Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx
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||(100)=================== ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS =================(100)||
||\\$//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\$//||
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-Julian Visch-
" Blood's not thicker than money. "
- Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )
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,--.-----.--.
|--|-----|--|
|--| |--|
| |-----| |
__|--| |--|__
/ | |-----| | \
/ \__|-----|__/ \
/ ______---______ \/\
/ / \ \/
{ / _ _ _ \ }
| { | | . | | | | } |-,
| | |_| . |_| |_| | | |
| { } |-'
{ \ / }
\ `------___------' /\
\ __|-----|__ /\/
\ / |-----| \ /
\ |--| |--| / after -Mike-
--| |-----| |--
|--| |--|
|--|-----|--|
`--'-----`--'
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
- Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).
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******
* *
*((((((((((((@))*
*((( ((())*
*(((( ^ ^ (())))*
* ((((( @ | @ ((())))*
* (((((( w ((()))))*
(((((( ******* ((()))))*
**********************************
* THANKS A LOT ! *
**********************************
/ \
/ \
/ \
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\\/\ -unknown-
| | |
##############( -- ) --)##############
" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did. "
- Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
| o o o o | <o o> | Just because we disagree |
| <><><> <> | /-+-- --+X | doesn't mean I have to kill |
| |||||| || | /> <\ | you, unless I want to. |
+-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+
-unknown-
" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "
- Groucho Marx
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______________
/ \
@(___) ------ (___)
@
@
@ /----\
@ / o o \
@ | [] |
@ @|___~~~~___| after -Marilyn Cox, et al-
"Room service? Send up a larger room"
- Groucho Marx
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,;;;;;;;,
;;;;;;;;;;;,
;;;;;'_____;'
;;;(/))))|((\
_;;((((((|))))
/ |_\\\\\\\\\\\\
.--~( \ ~))))))))))))
/ \ `\-(((((((((((\\
| | `\ ) |\ /|)
| | `. _/ \_____/ |
| , `\~ /
| \ \ /
| `. `\| /
| ~- `\ /
\____~._/~ -_, (\
|-----|\ \ ';;
| | :;;;' \
| / | |
| | | -Tua Xiong
| `. /
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
- Groucho Marx
-------------------------------------------------------------------
*8o,
8 : 8
8 : 8
8 : 8 |~~\_____/~~\__ |
-cfbd- 8 : 8 _____________________ \N1____====== )-+
8 : 8 ~~~|/~~ |
8 : 8 ()
8 : 8
,8o,"' aircraft by
// -Wil Dixon-
~~
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."
- Groucho Marx
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//////
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(//////)
... .. .. ... . ////// . ... . ... . .. ... .())((() ... .. .
_____|____|_____ ((()(()))
/ \ (((((((()
| | _()(()(())_
| | | (((()()() |
\ ' | ()))))( |
\ / \ ((((( /
\ / ) (
\ / / \
| | | |
\____________/ \_________/
-after MH-
.................................................................
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
- Groucho Marx
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.-~~~~~~--_
/@@@@\ \
.-//@@@@@\ \
/~~ \@@@/ \
/ / |
/ / |
/ | |
|@@| ( | |
~ / X |
\ / / | | \
\ _ _/_ ____-/_| | | \
\ | / \
| \ | \
\ \ / \
| \ / \ -Steve Wendt-
\ ~~~~~~ \
\ \
\ ____________ \
/ | | \
/ | /` /` | \
/ | [ ]=[ ]' | \
/ | / | \
/ | -- | \
/ |____________| \
" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "
- Groucho Marx
" I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
on I go into another room and read a good book. "
-- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)
______ ______
_/ Y \_
// ~~ ~~ | ~~ ~ \\
// ~ ~ ~~ | ~~~ ~~ \\
//________.|.________\\
`----------`-'----------'
" From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
-- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
" Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
-- Groucho marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth".
.,,,,,,,,,,.
,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;,
,;;;;;;;;;;;)));;(((,,;;;,,_
,;;;;;;;;;;' |)))))))))))\\
;;;;;;/ )'' - /,)))((((((((((\
;;;;' \ ~|\ ))))))))))))))
/ / | ((((((((((((((
/' \ _/~' ')|()))))))))
/' `\ /> o_/)))((((((((
/ /' `~~(____ / ()))))))))))
| ---, \ \ ((((((((((
`\ \~-_____| ))))))))
`\ | |_.---. \ -Tua Xiong
" Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second
question first." -- Groucho Marx
" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution? "
- Groucho Marx
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
-- Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx
Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx
" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx
" Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx
"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
-- Groucho Marx
" You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well,
we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in
the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx
" Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
difference." -- Groucho Marx
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
-- Groucho Marx
Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?"
"Eileen"
"What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?"
"Irene"
" I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx
" I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's
good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx
" I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx
(To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx
"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. We're going back next year."
-- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-- Groucho Marx
sssss
_ S/"""SSSs
"s| ")SSs
| SSSS
__- __ sSSSSs .
| SS"
_________\ Ss"
| (o)-(o) || |"
|__\_^_/__| , |
_--_ |/ /| |
/ -_ / / \ |
/ _ ". | | | |
/ _- -_ '.-""-- \ | |
,' / , ; -_ | | |
_,-" / ', , -_ ,' | \__
<_ _ _] , \ - _ _ .' ___\____\
. ) """""""""""''
/_-" after
-Joe Rumsey-
"How do you feel about women's rights ? "
" I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx
" Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
-- Groucho Marx
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//\\\||///\\
//| |\\
|[ | <q><p> | ]|
|||| .\. ||||
|||< _ >|||
\__(_)_/
_____!___!_____
| | \ / | |
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. "
- Groucho Marx
"Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From THE BIG SHOW
Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"
GM: How old are you?
JP: 19
GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
step closer to the announcer.
JP: Well, which is which?
GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You Bet Your Life" banter (got censored, no copy exists, but true story)
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth
once in a while.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
" The Marx Brothers produced a (relatively forgettable) film called
'A Night in Casablanca.'
Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the
rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for
infringement.
Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had
been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were
countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia
Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*)
She's got eyes that men adore so ) .(
And a torso even more so..... ( v )
\ |/ -cyberfox-
- Groucho Marx
"The months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn,
'Whatever it is, I'm against it!
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I'm against it!' "
- Groucho (in song) from "Horsefeathers"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
## ##
(@ (@
\ -Ian Broverman-
##### |
~\_====+
"Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!"
- Groucho Marx
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake
that, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx
" Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. "
- Groucho Marx
" Time wounds all heels." - Groucho Marx
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
- Groucho Marx
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.
_The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
" He's waxing wroth! "
" Well, why don't you have Roth wax him for a change? " -- Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
-- Groucho Marx
"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
-- Groucho Marx
"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man."
-- Groucho Marx
"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."
-- Groucho Marx
|\ |\
_-/ \
_-/ ()()
_-/ \
_ _-/ \ \
____________//__/ /\ oo/
// \_____/ / \\_/
// // \
"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
-- Groucho Marx
"Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
-- Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
-- Groucho Marx
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-- Groucho Marx
+---------------------------------------------+
| |
| __________________________________ |
| | | IBM |
| | | |
| | ## ## | |
| | (@ (@ | |
| | \ | |
| | ##### | | |
| | ~\_====+ | O |
| | | O |
| |__________________________________| |
| ____________________________________________
+--| \ \
| \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \
\ \________________________________________\
\_|________________________________________|
" I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's
because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They're upstairs in my socks." - Groucho Marx
" Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ??
He used to live in whales for a while." - Groucho Marx
____ ___ . ,, ,, .
', \,__ __,'',/ . .:>}}Y{{<:. .'
\ \/' ./ ' .'. ''W' ' .' .
\ / "
\ / ,-----------"--,
| \____/' /-\ \ Row faster!
\ ' .O `\ /
| ,-- |\_______) O O
| <' , "/ / / / ' .'; __ /N___/N____
`, '~~~' /'/'/'/' .',.'.`/' /'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~D~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Daniel Au-
" The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the
Lord Alps those who alp themselves. " -- Groucho Marx
" Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to
announce that I was born at a very early age. "
-- Groucho Marx
" My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had
been one."
-- Groucho Marx
"I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much
more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name."
-- Groucho Marx
" A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a
child of five. " -- Groucho Marx
" Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
" You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you." -- Groucho Marx
" Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and
that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of
it myself." -- Groucho Marx
" Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.
If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you
can't find that, you can leave in a taxi." - Groucho Marx
" Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
-- Groucho Marx
" Why don't you drill a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? "
-- Groucho Marx
" I hear they're gonna tear you down and erect an office building
where you're standing." -- Groucho Marx
" He thinks I look alike! " -- Groucho Marx
" Gentlemen of the jury, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and
sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: He really is an
idiot. I implore you, send him to the penitentiary where his
father and brothers await him with open arms. I suggest we give
him 12 years in Leavenworth, or 11 years in twelveworth. I tell
you what, I take 5 and 10 in Woolworth. " -- Groucho Marx
" You have the brain of a four-year-old, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it." -- Groucho Marx
" I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's
because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
" I went up to the stage door, but it was locked. So I went around
to the front door and came into the theatre. And the stage was all
lit up, but the theatre was so dark, I couldn't see a thing. Is
there anyone up front? So I go down, in this Stygian darkness, to
the front row, and I take a seat. I am now sitting on... I can't
think of his name. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967)
Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the
swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews.
"Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his
waist?"
" I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie
Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by
the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. "
-- Groucho Marx
" I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."
-- Groucho Marx
" There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
-- Groucho Marx
" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my
agent, as written in our contract. " -- Groucho Marx
) ( ( (
( ) () @@ ) (( (
( ( )( @@ ( )) ) (
( ( ( ()( /---\ (()( (
_______ ) ) )(@ !O O! )@@ ( ) ) )
< ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
/--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
| > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
| /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( .
| | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . .
| \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ .
| \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
| |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
\__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. .
| |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ .
| | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. .
| | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) .
| | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . .
| | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) ..
| |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ).
____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_
## ##
@) @)
/
| #####
+====_/~
-Ian Broverman-
========================================================================
Original message headers
X-Google-Language: ENGLISH,ASCII-7-bit X-Google-Thread: f996b,c2a71ae4cd529151,start X-Google-Attributes: gidf996b,public X-Google-Thread: 11492d,c2a71ae4cd529151,start X-Google-Attributes: gid11492d,public From: cfb...@southern.co.nz (Colin Douthwaite) Subject: Groucho Marx Fan Club Date: 1997/04/12 Message-ID: <5inhba$p4...@orm.southern.co.nz> X-Deja-AN: 234303239 Organization: Southern InterNet Services Newsgroups: alt.comedy.marx-bros,alt.ascii-art
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