France - A Damned heroic nation

On France



"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain

a few facts about the French military (stolen from albinoblacksheep.com)

***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web
designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this
oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web
designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

    - Gallic Wars
    - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    - Hundred Years War
    - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious
only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars
    - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars
when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion
    - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War
    - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded
anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution
    - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War
    - Tied

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
    - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession
    - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution
    - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France
claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution
    - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars
    - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership
of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War
    - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly
girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I
    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a
winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

    - World War II
    - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just
as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina
    - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion
    - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic
Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim
Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism
    - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador
fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

    Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal:
"They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the
following losses:

    Norse invasions, 841-911.
    After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are
bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them
Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only
positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

    Mexico, 1863-1864.
    France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its
thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not
surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign
Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the
country a little over a year after arrival.

    Panama jungles 1881-1890.
    No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually
built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

    Napoleonic Wars.
    Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of
non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and
anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French
on many occasions.

    Haiti, 1791-1804.
    French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow
fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

    India, 1673-1813.
    British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore
the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine
(er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

    Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
    Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in
Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's
solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first
overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

    1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
    French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights
France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next
200 years of Franco-American relations.

    Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
    Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile
land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until
the modern day.

    French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too,
just to be fair):

    1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
    When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response
was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses
when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

    St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
    Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

    Third Crusade.
    Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard
the Lion Heart to finish.

    Seventh Crusade.
    St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

    [Eighth] Crusade.
    St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

    Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot
line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would
enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking
with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium
(Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored
this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

    Seven year War 1756-1763
    Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the
Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of
the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some
Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India
(Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

    The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63,
after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider
C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French
public who were very much against the departure. This ended their
colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this
shoddy affair.

OBAscii - The French flag

                  
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(Tricolor my ass) 


-- 
"Patriotism is supporting your country all the
time and your government when it deserves it." --Mark Twain

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