Re: Cooking With John

JRO wrote:

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>  How to make Tamales...
>     A recipie.
>
>    How long has it been, since you had a
>  rich, steaming plate of tamales? Remember
>  how delicious tamales are? NO ONE can resist
>  a well-garnished plate of REAL tamales, after
>  all.
>
>    Well, no longer will you have to wait
>  around until you can afford to visit an
>  expensive restraunt which serves such a
>  delicasy. I'll share with you the easy
>  recipie for making your own REAL TAMALES,
>  right at home!
>
>    The first thing you need, is some real
>  tamale meat. Some folks will tell you to
>  use beef, or chicken - this is a mistake!
>
>  RULE ONE - you can't make a REAL tamale,
>            without catmeat. Cat; it's the
>            "other" red meat.
>
>   This is how to obtain fine tamale meats:
>
>          _._
>       .-'.\ `.
>      /`  ./\__|   "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
>      | ./\~()\()
>       \ \_   _)     (\
>        \/   //\     //_
>      _/\  `-/\_   (\(((\
>     / \ \  / / \   \___/
>    /   \/\/\/   \  /  /
>   /     \  /_    \/  /
>   |  |   \/   \     /          _.-"
>   |  |    ;   |\___/    __..--'     "Meow?"
>   |  |    :   | __..--""
>   |  |/   :  \|                    /\/\     (
>   |  |    :   |                    )oo )_____)
>   \__|____:___|                    ="=       )
>  _/  \)       |                      //>>-.//\
>  \\_ /\_   \  |                     (/ \)  \)\)
>    (U[_|    \ |
>      \||>   | |
>       ||    / |
>       ||   /  |
>      /    /   |
>     /____/|___|
>     | : :\|: :\
>      \ ___\ ___| jro
>       `-.-'`---'
>
>  For cat hunting, I reccomend a Webley-Fosbury,
>  naturally. Any common .22 or shotgun will do
>  just swell, however. If you live in some Third World
>  country which doesn't suffer it's population to
>  own firearms, a basic club or rock will suffice...
>
>        __..\/
>       /\ \  \\
>      /_/\_.___\  "Now, if you are planning a feast,
>     /\\~()\()~/\ you might need a dozen of these
>     \_    _)  _/ bastards. But they're common, and
>       \  //\\/  incredibly stupid! A simple call
>      _/\ __ /\_  will attract them right into your
>     / \ \  / / \ killzone, where they can be easily
>    /   \/\/\/   \    dispatched by a bullet, or a
>   /     \  /_    \________ mere blow to the head."
>   |  |   \/   \       |  \\
>   |  |    ;   |\______|_/|/
>   |  |    :   |         ||
>   |  |/   :  \|         ||
>   |  |    :   |        /  \
>   \__|____:___|       /    \
>  _/  \)       |      //|  |\\
>  \\_ /\_  |   |     "" |  | ""
>    (U[_|  |   |       //\/\\
>      \||  |   |      /| xx |\
>      |||  |   |     ""=\_o/=""
>      |||  |   |          U
>      |    |   |
>      |____|___|
>      |: :||: :\
>      \ ___\ ___| jro
>       `-.-'`---'
>
>              __..\/   "A lot of people ask me,
>             /\ \  \\  'John, where do you find
>            /_/\_.___\  all those great cats for
>           /\\~()\()~/\ tamales?' Well..."
>           \_    _)  _/
>             \  //\\/
>   /)))    __/\ __ /\__    (((\
>  /  |/)  /  \ \  / /  \  (\|  \
>  \___/  /    \/\/\/    \  \___/
>   \   \/      \  /      \/   /
>    \      /    \/ __\       /
>     \    /|     ;    \     /
>      \__/ |     :    |\___/
>           |     :    |
>                         JRO
>
>  "Like most common pests, you can find them just
>   about anywhere. The streets and alleys abound
>   with the things. Sometimes, one may even walk
>   into your own yard. In your neighborhood, there
>         __..\/  may also be people who keep the
>        /\ \  \\  varmits, as "pets". The trick
>       /_/\_.___\ here, is to lure the creature
>      /\~()/()~//\ outside - where you can bag it.
>      \_  (_    _/ Don't feel bad about doing this;
>        \ //\\ /        /) you will actually be
>      __/\ __ /\__   (\/((\ doing the "owner" a
>     /  \ \  / /  \   \___/  favor! The beasts
>    /    \/\/\/    \  /   / are known to shed
>   /      \  /      \/   / DISEASES in their feces,
>   |   |   \/ __\   /   / which small children can
>   |   |   ;     \     / fall victim to. Since cat
>   |   |   :     |\___/  owners never clean up a
>   |   |   :     |       cat's droppings, this is
>   |   |/  :    \|      a serious health problem."
>    jro
>
>  "If you suspect that someone you know may be a cat
>         __..\/ owner, this can be easily verified.
>        /\ \  \\ Just visit their home. You may not
>       /_/\_.___\ SEE the cat, but you will certianly
>      /\\~()\()~/\ SMELL the cat's fecal material. Do
>      \_    _)  _/ not be surprised if you find some
>        \  //\\/  of the cat's droppings visible on
>      __/\ __ /\__ the floor, furniture, beds, and in
>     /  \ \  / /  \ a box which most owners keep in
>    /    \/\/\/    \ their kitchens, believing the cat
>   /      \  /      \ should be encouraged to relieve
>   |   |   \/ __|   | itself, there. If you have an
>   |   |   ;    |   | opportunity, take the cat and
>   |   |   :    |   | leave. If this is impractical,
>   |   |/  :   \|   | keep watch on the owner's house,
>    jro               because sooner or later they
>                      will let it out for a time, and
>                      you can then acquire it's meat."
>
>    A good-sized adult cat, when skinned out, should
>  have enough meat on it's bones to make a six or eight
>  tamales. Smaller cats and the immature kittens (often
>  sought for their tenderness), won't yield quite as much
>  meat, so adjust the number you will need, accordingly.
>
>    Maybe you have a commerical source of pre-packaged cat.
>  Let me suggest, however, that you kill and butcher your
>  own. Skinning cat isn't as much of an ordeal as you may
>  think. First, lop off the head, and discard it.  It contains
>  no usable meat, and the brain of a cat is too small to bother
>  with. Believe me, it would take many, many cats, just to
>  make a small pan of brains and eggs!
>
>                      (\(\
>                (\   /)///_
>                 \\_//.-\  )____
>                 |_ /   .-'-----'
>         ___     (_)_.-'
>       =/ o \=
>       ( x_x )
>        \/ \/
>
>    The next thing you want to remove, is the tail. This
>  should also be discarded...
>              _ __
>             ( (  \
>              / / |
>             / /  /
>             \ \  \
>           -./_/   \       _.---._
>                    \  _.-'_.-'-._`-.
>                    |  \.-'       `-'
>             ______/
>
>    Get rid of the feet, next...
>
>    \    \
>     \.--.|
>      `---'
>     .---.
>    .`--'(_
>    `-.__;;;
>
>    You may then make a longitudal incision on the cat's
>  abdomen. Reach into the body cavity, and remove all of the
>  internal organs. Discard them; especially the liver,
>  which is frequently toxic in domestic cats. In any event,
>  it is quite inedible. There are no organ meats in cat.
>  The Swedish make a practice of eating cat genitalia, and
>  although they may relish these portions, I would not
>  suggest you try it. Mad Cat Disease has definately been
>  linked to the eating of cat reproductive organs.
>
>            |____|
>            /   \
>           /  _ /
>           | / \)
>           \_)) )
>           ( _))_)  _ _
>   _ __    )) ((   / / |
>   \ \ \  (_)-'_) / /  /
>    \ \ \  (_( )) \ \  \
>     |_| |_ (_((  /_/   \
>    .' |  \`.((_).'      \
>   /                     |
>   `.___________________/
>
>    At this point, you can now "skin" the meat. This is
>  accomplished by grabbing the loose skin around where the
>  head was removed, and pulling it back. Use a pair of pliers,
>  if necessary, but try not to resort to using a knife in
>  places where you have trouble. With a little practice, you
>  should be able to peel the cat's skin back, and continue the
>  process until you have rolled it completely off the body.
>
>         __..\/
>        /\ \  \\
>       /_/\_.___\   "Some gourmets will tell you to start
>      /\~()/()~//\  skinning from the open abdominal area.
>      \_  (_    _/  I advise against this; it is the cruder
>        \ //\\ /    method, and you will definately have to
>      __/\ __ /\__  use your knife at some point to finish up.
>     /  \ \  / /  \ There may be more than one way to skin a
>    /    \/\/\/    \ cat, but there is only one way to do it
>   /      \  /      \ properly, and elegantly. After you've
>   |   |   \/ __|   | skinned a few cats my way, I'm certain
>   |   |   ;    |   | you'll agree that it IS the best method.
>   |   |   :    |   |
>
>    Now that you have your cat skinned, gutted, and trimmed of
>  extraneous limbs and the head, it's time to wash the meat. If
>  you skinned the cat properly, there should be no hair remaining
>  on the meat. Nevertheless, you should wash it carefully, to make
>  sure there are no stray hairs.
>
>    For best results you should soak your cat in salt water, for
>  at least an hour. If you have guests coming and are pressed for
>  time, you can skip over this step. If you add a little extra
>  seasoning to your cat in the cooking process, even a true
>  connosiuer shouldn't be able to recognize that you skipped over
>  the soaking process.
>
>            __________
>           (          )
>            \        /
>             \      /  "Okay, now that we've got that little
>             |______|    chore out of the way, let's START
>            /_/\_.___\   COOKING!... First, we're going to
>           /\\~()\()~/\  flense the meat from the bones. We're
>      /|   \_    _)  _/  making tamales, remember! If this dish
>     / /     \  //\\/    was to be baked cat, you could just toss
>   _/_/    __/\ __ /\__  the beast in the oven at 350 degrees, and
>  (/.(\   /    \__/  / \ sit back and wait for a couple of hours.
>  (o/_/  /         o/   \ But what we need is bone-free cat strips,
>   \   \/           |    \ to toss right into the frying pan..."
>    \      /        |    |
>     \    /|       o| |  |
>      \__/ |        | |  |
>           |        | |  |
>                         JRO
>
>           _____
>       .-""     ""-.
>     .'  _.-----._  `.
>    /  .'.  `::,`:`.  \_______________________
>   / :: ::; `;:' .::'  \                  (_) \
>  |    .::'.: `:::. :.  |_____________________/
>  |   ::. .::':: .:'   /|
>  |\  .:: :::  .::'   / | "Fill your frying pan up with the catmeat,
>  \ `.     :;. ::.  .' /   to which you should add 1 cup of Mexican-
>   \  `.__________.'  /    style chili sauce, 2 cloves of garlic, and
>    `-.            .-'     1 tablespoon of crushed cumin seeds. Add
>       `-.______.-' jro    chile powder, and salt and pepper, to taste.
>                           Fry at a medium-high temperature in a little
>  cooking oil, stirring occasionally. After ten or fifteen minutes,
>  add 1 cup of water, reduce heat, and simmer."
>
>    "Meanwhile, place 3 cups of cornmeal in a mixing bowl. Add 1/4 cup
>  of butter, 1/4 cup of lard, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and 1/2 a
>  teaspoon of salt. Mix well.
>
>    [A note about lard: Lard tastes much better than vegetable
>     grease, but if you are a disgusting wide-body, you better
>         just use Crisco, or a similar product.]
>
>    To this, add one and a half cups of chicken or cat broth. Beat
>  until you have a light, soft dough."
>
>            __________
>           (          )
>            \        /    "Now take a small ball of your dough mixture,
>             \      /      and spread it out on a corn husk. Remember
>             |______|      to pre-soak your corn husks for an hour or
>            /_/\_.___\     two, so they will be soft and easy to roll.
>           /\\~()\()~/\    If you don't have any corn husks, you can use
>           \_    _)  _/        _ aluminum foil, in 4x4 inch squares."
>             \  //\\/        _(_)
>           __/\ __ /\__     /\\\\
>          /    \__/  / \    |___/
>         /         o/   \  /   /
>        /           |    \/   /
>       |   |        | \      /
>       |   |       o| |\    /
>       |   |        | | `--'
>       |   |        | |
>                         JRO
>
>                        .-'"""""`-. "Spread at least a tablespoon
>                     .-'.-' .-' .-'  full of your filling down the
>                  .-' .-' .-'.-'    center of your dough. Then roll
>               .-'.-'  .-' .-'     the whole thing up, tucking in the
>            .-'   .-'.-'.-'       ends of the corn husk, so it stays
>         .-'.-'   .-'.-'          together. It should look about like
>      .-'.-'  .-' .-'             this."
>      `-._____.-'
>
>    )        (       )
>    (           ___   (            "When you have 12 to 18 tamales ready
>   )       ( __(___)__    (    (     to cook, steam them over boiling
>     __..--""         ""--..__ )       water, for about two hours."
>    |_________________________| )
>    |                         |___________________
>  ( |                         |__)________________)
>   )|                         | )
>    _\_______________________/_ (
>    |                         |
>    |                         |__________________
>    |                         |__________________)
>    |                         |
>    |                         |
>    |                         |
>    |                         |
>    |                         |
>    |                         |
>    `-._____________________.-'
>
>            __________
>           (          )   "Garnish with a little lettuce,
>            \        /     spread a little salsa over the
>             \      /      top, and they're ready to serve!"
>             |______|
>            /_/\_.___\
>           /\\~()\()~/\
>           \_    _)  _/
>             \  //\\/
>           __/\ __ /\__
>          /    \__/  / \
>         /         o/   \
>        /   |       ||   \
>        \   \       |/   /
>         \   \_...---.../_
>        _.-""   __________""-.
>      .' .'.'  / / / / / /\ `.`._
>      `. ::   ()()()()()/ /   :: `.
>        `.`. ()()()()()()/  .'.'_.'
>          `-.______________.-'  jro
>
>        __..\/
>       /\ \  \\
>      /_/\_.___\
>     /\\~()\()~/\     "BON APPERTITE!"
>     \_    _)  _/
>       \  //\\/
>      _/\ __ /\_
>     / \ \  / / \
>    /   \/\/\/   \
>   /     \  /_    \________
>   |  |   \/   \       |  \\
>   |  |    ;   |\______|_/|/
>   |  |    :   |         ||
>   |  |/   :  \|         ||
>   |  |    :   |        /  \
>   \__|____:___|       /    \
>  _/  \)       |      //|  |\\
>  \\_ /\_  |   |     "" |  | ""
>    (U[_|  |   |       //\/\\
>      \||  |   |      /| xx |\
>      |||  |   |     ""=\_o/=""
>      |||  |   |          U
>      |    |   |
>      |____|___|        ((\  /\/\.----._
>  jro |: :||: :\   /)(\ /// ( xx )      `-.___
>      \ ___\ ___|  \\//.-\  )\o_/ \\---\\'----'
>       `-.-'`---' _|  \  .-'--U--' \)  (/
>                 `-\__.-'-----./\/\
>                  =/ o\=\ )__\\( xx
>                  ( xx ) \\ ///`-U'
>                   \/\/  (/(/|)
>
> --
> Jonathon R. Oglesbee
> oglesbee@
>       mail.fullnet.net
>
> Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
> Before you buy.



           Reminds me of my Grandma...
        She used to say -" eat your soup Ralf
          or Johnny 's gonna take you to
               make his famous tamales".
                              /
           She went out one night to pick up
         some mice... never saw her again.
                           /

                       /(,_\
                       )  ==\
                       \ ___Y.
                        )/
                     __//
                    /)  \
                   /|| .|
                  / || /|
                 /  ||/||
                / __||_||_
               (\(  /  ,\,\
               ||\\ \\\/\/
               || ))  ))
               ||//  //
               )//_ //__
     b'ger     (__\\\ _\\\

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