Notice of revocation of independence

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all States, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
10 rules are introduced with immediate effect:

#1.    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise  your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

#2.    There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

#3.    You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

#4.    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.

#5.    You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

#6.    You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby football (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.

#7.    You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde"
is French for "sh*t".

#8.    July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

#9.    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

#10.    Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.
-- 
        Peter Punk
          \    /
        ---\\\\---
          /    \

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Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

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